If the cap fits, wear it (unless it's mock Burberry, obviously)

Chav secrets uncovered part I: The baseball cap

After years of study and documenting, I am finally ready to release findings that will change the way we think about chavs forever, and possibly (but it's a long shot) show they may not be as mind numbingly thick as they look or act. My first shocker relates to the bastion of chav-hood, the baseball cap

I, no doubt like yourselves, always thought the chavs choice of head wear was merely practical; ie, hiding the pus ridden boil infested mess the pots and pots of gel have made of their scalps. But no, it appears there are much more fundamental employs of the baseball cap - namely as a homing device for lost chavs, and for identifying rank.

Homing device

Folklore determines that chavs hunt in packs but it only takes a momentary loss of concentration, such as spotting a ho with only 6 kids ("Hey baby, do those love handles go all the way down?"), for one to be lost from his kin. In such instances the cap comes to the rescue as, and this really is true, it will ALWAYS point to Chav Mecca (JJB Sports). Look out for this phenomenon happening in your town or city. It really is uncannily accurate. (If you are lucky enough to not be inflicted by a JJB Sports shop, try H.Samuel, or any off license selling 8 cans of Kestrel Super for £4 or less.)

Identifying Rank

Important for any budding chav is the colour of the cap. Never, ever get it wrong. View below the colour coded hierarchy (it might just save your life)

White The new kid on the block. If a classy chick (5 kids or less) is spotted by the herd, the new kid will be the one abused by the Charmer to impress her. Most common abuse is the old toothbrush up the arse routine.

Pastel Blue Happiest member of the kru (sic.) as he is no longer the new kid. Qualification would be gained by kicking a tramp or licking dog poo.

Red The charmer. Administer of toothbrush. Tends to be the 'looker' in the group. Likes to pretend he is a drug pusher, and is always on his phone, cutting some skag deal (more likely downloading ring tones)

Green Must have ASBO to wear this colour, it's a real emblem, like the yellow jersey in cycling. Usually got asbo by gobbing in a coppers face, or pissing through a vicars letterbox.

Burberry Check The wearer of this is wrongly considered to be the daddy, but in actual fact this lad will be the real trouble of the group. Probably shivved a copper, or slept with the charmers mum.

Black The daddy, always gets first go on any ho's once they come of age, and only shares with the rest of the group when they reach their teens. Always gets first swig of the Napoleon brandy.

And there you have it, fore armed is fore warned or so it is said.

If any chavs can actually read and happen upon this, then take no offence, I've nothing against you. Some of my best friends have got friends who know someone who used to live next door to a chav.

Stay tuned for

Chav secrets uncovered, Part II: The Manor

Chav secrets uncovered, Part III: Pets

Bye